For Your Consideration

It’s 2013. Governments around the world continue to struggle to keep social and financial order, but with clever and well-intentioned legislation, things are getting better all the time.

The nationalization of certain companies at one time had their non-nationalized competitors at a distinct disadvantage.  Because these nationalized organizations (the “NO’s”) had an unlimited source of funds at their disposal, they didn’t have to worry about the pesky problems of raising capital much less the “cost of capital”, like their non-nationalized competitors had to.

So long as the NO’s continued to do what Congress mandated them to do, things were good for the NO’s. Social and financial engineering through a myriad of regulations has continued unabated.

The credit markets never recovered and disappeared entirely. No bank was willing to lend their capital to a non-nationalized company and the NO’s didn’t need them. When reviewing business plans, it asked a fundamental question: How can this entity compete against an unlimited-funded NO?

The previous “lender of last resort”, the Federal Reserve, is now the *only* authorized and needed lender. This really doesn’t have an impact since private ownership of business was outlawed in one of the better provisions of the Business Users Satisfaction Tax of 2010 (affectionately known in the beltway as the “BUST”).

Other provisions of the BUST forbade future home foreclosures (allowing people to stay in “their” homes even though they didn’t pay for them) and granted ownership of all currently-encumbered homes to the Fed. The BUST also eliminated the word “bailout” from our language and substituted it with “loan”. The penalties for using the “B-word” in print or verbally are severe.

To take advantage of Congress’ vast business experience, the President created a cabinet-level position “Office of the People’s Business” to ensure the NO’s compliance with Congressional mandates. Funding for this new office was easily obtained from the former Small Business Administration, which was disbanded due to lack of interest. Unions have also been legislated out of existence with the recognition that we all work for the Homeland now.

So much so that the budget for “Department of Homeland Entitlements” now eclipses that of the Department of Defense, as created by the “Fairness Tax of 2011″. The good news is that we all now have access to “affordable healthcare”, due to the nationalization of all health care providers. This was absolutely brilliant, as it completely bypassed the need for nationalizing the health insurance industry altogether.

The good news does not stop there, though! The Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security programs (which now take full effect at age 61!) are now well-funded due to the mandatory “age 60″ individual liquidation provisions.

The ownership stake of AIG taken in 2008 was fortuitous as it now “insures” all General United States Auto Worker Motors Company’s automotive products, which we are now mandated to buy. However, it appears its time as an insurer is limited. Legislation recently passed will amend tort laws in 2014 so that private collection of civil losses will be eliminated. All monies will now be automatically transferred to Department of Homeland Entitlements for compassionate redistribution.

The trial lawyers fought a good fight, but the fix was in. They now turn their attention to “The Happiness Act“, a really swell piece of legislation making its way through Congress which would eliminate five of the “least used” rights contained in the Bill of Rights, which is by any measure now “just a piece of paper”, a complete anachronism in our modern times.

But the Happiness Acts’ goodness doesn’t stop there. This bi-partisan proposal would also “update” the Constitution to mandate economic equality and correct the unalienable rights of “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” enumerated in the Declaration of Independence to the much more compassionate “Loving government, wonderful life and guarantee of happiness”.

I mean really… How can anyone be against happiness?

Oh, and if you don’t know the meaning of the word “irony”, go look it up (and have a nice day)!

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 13th, 2008 at 14:56 and is filed under Fun. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.